NG BBS — some ramdom poem i wrote::
order to deal with the horrors of reality i think my mind bent and twisted so so wut do u think please write a reviw. itd be better in poem form
http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/599145HOME |
ok read and then comment k? opinions please and thank you there are punctuation and gramma screw ups and mispellings its just becuz i typed it up quickly
and dont give me mean answers bc i alredy know someones gonna ask if im emo yess i am emo ok..
[minstrels] My Rifle (The Creed of a United States Marine) -- Maj Gen ::
And I love it :) I think lack of repeating it every morning ruined my army experience. And do you think this poem is more focused on righteous views or survival?
http://www.cs.rice.edu/~ssiyer/minstrels/poems/1110.htmlHOME |
Waxing Poetica [Archive] - CreedFeed Community::
So , what do you guys think a my poetry? another one of my poems. lyrix. Lyrix Association Poem I wrote, Hope u like it. Poem. Another poem for you. Here
http://www.creedfeed.com/community/archive/index.php/f-12.htmlHOME |
i remember laughter,
and feeling loved.
now all i have is your terrible lies
and i cant help but,
sit and cry out my eyes
and no way to solve this pain and anguish
so i get out my blade, slash at my wrists
it leaves a mark ppl see
1 Million Love Messages - Love Message::
1 Million Love Messages - Love Message - Tell me, what do you think of this one? do u think he luv me too? Reply To This Comment – Quote This Comment
http://www.1millionlovemessages.com/2008/05/love-message.htmlHOME |
and then judge me
i have pain too
its hard in a world with people like you
blood drips from my arm onto the floor
drip, drop, drip, drop
its this pain youve caused that'll never stop
i cant stay alive ive lost the one who helped me survive
fubar MUM: something i wrote what do u think?::
how maney of you help out the freshmeats (expired) poem (expired) something i wrote what do u think? ( expired) have you noticed (expired) meet us
http://www.fubar.com/mum.php?id=65126HOME |
now shes gone
i show a happy side and maintain a fake smile
this is because i try to hold it together for a while
this smiles my mask it covers my tears fights my battles
and hides my fears
its the only thing that hasnt left me
but no one can see its not the real me
i use it but i cant anymore
i cant take your criticism and lies
under this mask a boy slowly dies....
I just think it's a little obvious. Try to sound slightly aloof. Other than that, it's very emotional. And, I agree with whoever said that you should decide if you're going to rhyme or not because some parts do and some don't. All and all, good poem, just needs a few minor adjustments.
You need to decide if you are going to rhyme or not. =/ It was Kind of a Stereotypical emo poem.. I know I have probably 20 in my room that I have written with the same story to it, and the same onomatopoeia in it (drip, drop, drip, drop)
Now for the GOOD part. I actually read the poem all the way through and took the time to write to help you because I think you have potential in your writing! Believe me, if I don't enjoy what I'm reading I stop halfway through and just go on to another poem on Y!A there are so many more that I could read.
You have a great writing style, but you just need inspiration, something REAL to write about (because I doubt you've cut yourself so deep that blood was dripping to the ground)
Keep working!!! You're going to be great one day, you could be the next Robert Frost, or Edgar Allan Poe!
actually i don't think it's suckish at all.
could use a little work perhaps, the subject matter is very much overdone.
but you have a lot of potential.
good job, and keep writing =)
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What do u think of my poem?